marilyn_magdalene

i think i experienced and responded to hunger woah. i felt like shit so i ate and i felt (physically) less like shit. i had 2 cookies n creme poptarts 360 and 2 oreo filled oreos 180 and 2 slices of rye bread 160. so 700, so the 700 i had saved for the nothing bundt cake that i actually don't need to save up for because probably my mom isn't actually buying cakes it was just a passing mention. which i normally wouldn't do (spending cals on things they're not for, that is) but i'm looking out for myself i guess because who else will.

that's the justification i used earlier at least looking at myself in the mirror talking to myself. and it sounds dumb but whatever it sounds like my brand of dumb so it's in character. yesterday i hated myself for existing as a person with a good life because how sick is it to be happy, not that i even am, when other people aren't. i thought i would have to sleep on the floor but i couldn't even fall asleep and i started getting an ache in my shoulder that i knew i would freak out about and view it as some symptom of something, so i got up to prevent that. i waited to stop crying before i went downstairs because my brother was watching south park in the living room. he asked what was up and i said nothing. i went outside for a walk and sat by the lake, some ducks were being loud af. there was one of those nutella snack packs carefully placed beside the bench. it was weird, i thought it was a box of cigarettes when i first saw it in the dark. it was cold but i still sat there a while. i did a nonogram puzzle of flan. i had been outside for like an hour so it was like 3:30 when i walked back home. and i realized not everyone is miserable, like i was walking through a whole neighborhood of people having a normal night. being relaxed, peaceful, indoors, asleep. and in their beds at that. so wtf was i doing? it was pointless to make myself miserable. i'm just some random girl why am i fucking up her life? she can rest, catch a break. i went to bed and watched 2 anime movies. i still wish i could sleep under the sheets but whatever at least i got to be on a bed and even used a pillow.

but yeah, i'm trying to actually do better because i've been scared. this morning at like 6-7 (heh) am i had creepy ass physical symptoms again. and i googled stuff about bradycardia made things worse for myself, thought down some of the trains of thought that i usually censor out as soon as they come up. googled stuff, checked my heart rate, it was like barely 50s and it scared me (checked it now and it was just 86, to be fair i am lowk anxious but i was this morning too and it was still slow. idk makes me feel better to have it be faster now, at least i know it can change). and yeah i was really sleepy and faint feeling so maybe that's why it was slow. but maybe this can be a turning point and i can eat at maintenance and not save up any more cals and spend what i have saved up.

but it was going to be a turning point when i had my first panic attack because i got scared of cardiac stuff. so i had a snack, then the next few days took naps to avoid meals. or when i was listening to music and a song made me want to get my shit together so i commented about it. a week later someone replied "u got this" and i was already back on my bs by then. or when i didn't shit for 9 days and had to use an enema. that one did produce lasting change actually, i now take a 5g fiber supplement and eat an apple most days. which sounds like nothing but i used to eat fruit like once a week so this is a real improvement.

but maybe this time actually will. how about this i'm committing ahead of time, if at epcot we get any snacks i won't say i'm not hungry. even if it puts me at maitenance whatever. 350 and then 550 and then 400 if it comes up, and no backing out.